When people divorce is it usually pinpointed to one of three A’s.

When people divorce you will sometimes hear  “we fell out of love” and no longer want to be married.  I was told that line and later learned it was Adultery that caused my divorce.  If you dare, dig deeper, there is usually more to the story.  Unfortunately Adultery is an easy way out for someone not wanting to work on their marriage and is very destructive on those left behind; your partner and children.

The other “A” is abuse.  No one should ever tolerate physical abuse, ever.  However what is often overlooked is emotional abuse.  My first marriage had that.  It wasn’t a healthy relationship at all.  We wouldn’t have made it long-term and we had already set terrible examples for our children on how married people are supposed to be.  Luckily my children now have an example of what marriage looks like.  It scares them when we argue but they will learn that we are committed to discussing our issues and working them out in a healthy way.  No one is leaving.

The final “A” is addiction.

This topic is a very sticky and scary one.  We have friends who have adult children that are addicts.  Recently two of them died from accidental drug overdose.  They were addicts that “slipped” causing a lot of heartache and pain during their recovery journey to their loved ones.  Never believe that someone is just a little addicted or that they are no longer an addict.  It’s a disease and a life time battle.

Through these deaths have brought up a lot of discussion and understanding of their situation.  I have learned from them that there is a direct correlation of recovery success and being an active participant in AA.  The other part is being a partner that is willing to do what it takes to make sure they support the recovery on a daily basis.  It might mean that the partner doesn’t drink and gives up that part of their life.

If you are not in a healthy relationship, you are simply wasting your time.  The person you are more suited for is out there looking for you!  When I met my first husband there were lots of concerns and questions.  Years later when I met my current husband, we talked about these hard topics.  I literally knew the day I met him, that he was “the one”. However having both experienced the pain of divorce, trying to learn about our part in the failed marriage, and trying to blend together 6 kids, it took us 3 years to navigate this journey.    If something is meant to be there is no need to rush.  It’s a life time commitment and you need to make sure you have fully examined all the skeletons in their closet.  They are there, you just need to see if you can live with them.