My parents have been married for over 50 years and are going strong.  You would have thought their relationship would have shown me a great example to follow.  It did but I was immature in dating and didn’t understand it until recently.

The problem was I didn’t date much until college and my first real boyfriend was the one I ended up marrying. 

My parents dated five years because they met in Highschool and were both figuring out their futures.  They never waivered in their feelings for each other, they spend all their free time together (still do) along with a small dose of having their own interests.  

They just have that chemistry that you can see when you are around them.  

There were no doubts and no wavering in their feelings for each other.  

On the other hand when I was 24, all of my friends were getting married and I had dated my first boyfriend for a year and a half before we got married.  We divorced 12 years later. 

Our relationship had qualities such as we both had decent careers and similar goals for future.  Our families got along well.  However there was always something missing.  It’s that wanting to be together all the time.  I knew I wanted to spend time together but he wanted to do stuff with his friends, more than me.  There were things he did that embarrassed me that I just swept under the rug.  (I hadn’t had a boyfriend before and didn’t want to ruin it). 

He didn’t value money like how I was raised, so when we pooled our finances I was saddled with credit card debt that took us 10 years to get out of.  
We did the parenting thing pretty well and I always thought no matter what that would continue if we split.  It didn’t.  When he left I was saddled with four kids, two in diapers and the family that we got along with took sides.

That’s my brief version of my nightmare story and $100,000 of legal bills including three years of going to court fighting him including the girlfriend/wife lead to unnecessary turmoil in my life.

The person you marry is not the person you divorce.  
Flash forward, I found a fellow “divorced person” who too was left wondering what went wrong.  We both bonded over learning the right way to be in a relationship and figuring out our part in the failed marriage.

We had to navigate dating waters with young children: jealously, different parenting styles, and their demands.  

However through the murky waters we knew we were meant to be together. We couldn’t stand being apart.  We took our time making sure we didn’t make another mistake as we did before.
They say opposites attract but this second time around, we did it differently.  
We had more in common than not.  We both agreed on the future, money issues,  and our families got along well.  
My key areas to consider are:

1) make sure both of you know what you want to be when you grown up.  Don’t marry until decent jobs are in place. 

2) Make sure your money goals are similar or you won’t be able to retire, travel, buy a house etc.

3) if friends are more important than you, that won’t change.  They should be secondary and you should get along with them.

4) you have that chemistry.  It’s hard to describe but it is something older wiser people can just see.  Be brave and ask them if they see it with you. At 24, I didn’t want to know.

5) families are important and you should all get along together.  That was the test that sealed the deal for my husband his family knew I fit in. 

6) there is always that “one thing”, could be recovering addict, could be mental health issues, could be trust issues, could be disrespect, could be lying, could be children from another marriage.  Whatever “it” is make sure you are really prepared to deal with it.  

When you are dating, both parties are on their best behavior and this is the peak in that department.  If they are disappointing you now, just imagine what your future will be like.  

You can’t make or change any of the things listed above but use them as a test to see if this relationship is meant to last.  You do not want to make the same financial and emotional mistake I did.

Listen to your gut and remember you can’t change people.  Make sure you date many people before you get married.  The person meant for you could have just walked by but you were caught up in the wrong relationship and missed a great or better opportunity for happiness.