The only example of marriage I had were my parents. Their love story was classic, they met in high school chemistry class and it was meant to be. My story is quite different: I didn’t meet my soulmate in high school and the guys I dated were nothing special. Often saying “I will give you a call” and never doing so.
One summer, I was out with my roommate and these two guys claiming to be best friends, came up to me flirting. It was crazy, when one left to get us drinks or run to the bathroom, the other would say something awful about their friend. One said “I went to college and he didn’t”. The non college graduate pulled his wallet out flashing all this cash. He told us he had “just moved back from Florida”, gotten a new job with a company car and was doing quite well. It was all such a show. Little did they know that I wasn’t impressed at all!
At the end of the night, the bars were closing and my roommate wanted to leave. The non college grad asked for my number. No one had paper or pen so it was up to him to remember my phone number! I figured we had all been drinking there is no way he could do it. I know I couldn’t. The next day he called my dorm (this was long before cell phones) and I was totally shocked. He actually memorized the number! Finally someone that said “I will give you a call” actually did! Funny how that small gesture made a difference for me. We made plans for our first official date the next night.
He picked me up in his company car which was a large sedan, something my grandfather would drive. He smoked, had a mustache and I kept remembering his friend say “he didn’t finish college”. I didn’t like any of these things but figured I should give this guy a chance since he made an effort. All of these things can change, and over the next few years the mustache was gone and he stopped smoking. College was never important.
Meanwhile we drove over to Queen street. In the parking garage he said, “You look nice!” Then quickly followed with, “I don’t want you to get a “watermelon bucket head” with all my compliments.” We both laughed! No worries about a big ego problem as this was the first and last one I got!
Then he leaned in and gave me a quick kiss. He said “phew, glad we got that behind us.” He smoked so kissing was not something enjoyable, glad he thought it was special, to me it was not. I really hated that he smoked and this continued for four more years. As I later learned he planned to stop smoking before kids came along. Eventually he did quit so that was a positive.
Back to our first date. He then took me to 82 Queen and invited his brother and sister-in-law to meet us for a drink. I found it way too soon to meet them. I never understood why, unless he was trying to get their approval before he pursued me more. We walked through the bar and I found he was very impressed with the people that liked to frequent. The bar was a known place where affluent Charlestonians and drug dealers liked to hang out. It was my first time there, I was really hoping we would eat in the restaurant but they were booked up. Instead we were able to get in, next door at Poogans Porch, another great place to try so far the date was going well.
I had not dated much and meeting the family was so overwhelming that I became so nervous, I felt nauseous. I ordered a house salad and barely ate it in fear I was going to throw up from my nerves. I made up something to explain my weird reaction. Here I was in a nice restaurant unable to enjoy the moment. He then took me home early saying the didn’t end well but wanted to try again. He awkwardly dropped me off, since he was a smoker kissing was avoided and he was just as awkward with hugs. His hugs are either one extreme or the other: limp/non existent or a hugs so hard it is supposed to crack your back.
One thing is for sure, he was persistent, and not only called every day, but several times a day. The calls were a lot of rambling on about stuff. Usually about who he ran into and how everyone needs to be impressed that he knows them. Often he would be in a rush to hang up but you could count on him calling back remembering something else that happened. Basically he narrated his day for you. The conversations were shallow, and very short. This pattern continued through out the time we were together. If you didn’t take the calls you would be quizzed about not being available at a moments notice. Very strange. The one positive fact was I could no longer complain about being told “I will give you a call” because he actually did…..and then some. Eventually I became enslaved to his calls.
Our next date, he took me to meet the rest of his family. His mom, dad, youngest brother, and the two I already met earlier I really thought it was all too soon to meet them but whatever, I would just go with the flow. He loved being in charge and there was little room for discussion or your ideas.
I did learn more about this mysterious guy from Florida, from his family. They loved telling stories about other peoples failures, including their son. I learned about the time he was arrested at the KA house dressed as Buckwheat from the Little Rascals. His costume was excellent, his date dressed as a bail of cotton. Get it? I wish I were in the land of cotton. He had on theatrical makeup and had his mug shot taken with it on. I can’t keep straight which trip to jail his father had to be involved but he took the youngest son to teach him a lesson of what he didn’t want him to do. Clearly my date was the black sheep of the family. I started to feel sorry for him. His family picked on him pretty bad but he returned the favor with stinging comments as well.
Then I found out he fled to Florida because one of the trips to jail, included a DUI driving back from Clemson. Instead of taking the expensive classes and getting SR22 insurance, he dodged it by moving to his Aunts house in Florida. He was proud of the fact that he marched up to the DMV claiming to be a 19 year old that never took the time to get his license. Apparently the computers between the states were not connected so he was able to get a drivers license by acting like he was new. This is when I learned the move back from Florida was NOT recent, it was the year before. He was actually living with his parents before that living with his Aunt and Uncle. Not the successful business man he claimed to be. The drivers license issue and classes were never fully avoidable, this became an expensive issue i helped him resolve years later.
His parents lived in a cute historic home. It was decorated nicely with antiques. The dining room table was placed in the huge wide hallway. The table had a huge gouge which they pointed out was from their teenage son who come home in a rage throwing his keys so hard on the table that it left a huge mark. They always pointed out flaws like this. They followed that his girlfriend triggered his anger, so it was her fault, not his.
They all smoked, drank and read a lot. Newspapers were all over the den. They had a golden retriever named Chester. He had an awful smell which my date constantly complained about. He hated dogs. He didn’t want them to come near him and the feeling was mutual, dogs had the instinct to stay away from him as well. We were raised with cats, so I wasn’t a dog person either. I didn’t like when dogs jump on you or smell terrible. I would never say these things out loud but he sure didn’t hold back his complaints about their beloved Chester to his family.
The family served spaghetti, with the thick noodles and fixed me a HUGE plate. I noticed the family picked on each other, laughing and yet it wasn’t really that funny. Many just laughed along with it so they wouldn’t be next. It was “you have food in your teeth”, if someone ate loudly “that smacks pretty good huh?”. I was so nervous, again, I couldn’t eat. I remember that huge plate of steaming spaghetti and I couldn’t face eating it. I quietly said to my date, “I can’t possibly eat all this food, can you take some of this?”, he answered quite loudly with “what, you don’t my moms cooking?” OMG I was mortified! His father said “do you go by Annie?” I answered “huh?” He said “Annie-Rexie, get it? Hahaha”. I just kept apologizing that they fixed my plate so big, that I couldn’t eat all that food. Then again he said “you don’t like my moms cooking? Hahahaha” I was so mortified, I ran to the bathroom trying to gain my composure. Trying not to throw up over my nerves. I broke out into a nervous sweat and wanted to go home.
The entire time we dated he always kept me on my toes, I honestly never knew where we stood, one minute we were serious, going out every weekend, talking every day, and the next it wouldn’t be silence, leaving me home alone for the weekend and picking up calling me on Monday. When we would go to bars after dinner, he would dance with other women telling me I was a terrible dancer. Leaving me alone on the sidelines to watch. It was a terrible feeling. He would say “it’s ok for me to dance with other people because we aren’t married we are just dating”. As though if you date there is no commitment, and as though there would be a huge change of commitment if we married. (BTW, I love to dance and am not a terrible dancer, I simply did not know how to shag. He was unwilling to teach me.)
He was horrible with money. He thought credit cards were found money or a bonus. If he got a credit card he was determined to use it fast, to the limit. One night he spent an entire night buying everyone drinks at No Name cafe and then staying at the hotel across the street. He claims he was alone. I stupidly believed him and really who knows how that ended up.
We dated a little over a year until I caught that he cheated on me. It completely broke my heart. Normally he calls many times a day to check in, and for an entire weekend, he didn’t call and left me home alone wondering what was going on. On Monday or Tuesday he finally called me back at work and broke up with me. He told me that we needed to take a break he went sure if I was the one or not. He wanted to keep me in the wings.
I cried so much I couldn’t function or operate. It was so embarrassing and unprofessional. After a few weeks of not talking to him, I finally started to date again. Suddenly he started back up calling me everyday and wanted to see me. This made it hard for me to move forward. The next thing I knew, we were back together. He told me he had made a big mistake and that he realized I was “the one”. I knew that meant he wanted to get married and would be getting engaged soon, maybe at Christmas!
During the time we had broken up, I had confessed to my parents the dysfunctional relationship we had. He drove to see my parents to apologize for the breakup, telling them he would never cheat on me again, and that the whole experience made him realize how much he loved me and that were were meant to be together. Wow, what a turn around!
However when he asked me to marry him, it wasn’t a nice engagement proposal or anything. He picked me up from work for lunch, as we were walking to lunch through a park downtown, he stopped and proposed. Said he wanted to get married right then and there. It was meant to be and no one needed to be there. So we walked across the street to do this crazy thing and were told we had to wait 24 hours because of a law. We filled out the paperwork and bought wedding bands. He said he couldn’t afford a diamond, he promised we would get that later. He said if we were really in love those things didn’t really matter. For 24 hours we kept it a secret and he took me back to work. Then we repeated it again the next day only this time we found a justice of the peace to marry us. He took me back to work afterwards. It really was super disappointing but I just rolled with it. I am not even sure if we got lunch or not. Probably did not.
When I returned to work and told everyone the news, I got a lot of advice from one of my co-workers. She had recently reunited with her cheating husband. She gave me a congratulations card that she carefully picked out with words on it which told me that I needed to just trust him now that we were married and not make myself sick worrying that he would cheat again. Trust and assume he won’t. Which I actually did for the next 12 years up until the affair was literally right in my face in broad daylight.
When I look back, all the tell tale signs were there plain as day but I chose to ignore them. I allowed him to be in charge and found it was easier that way but boy did I pay the price and was provided a life lesson!
Every time I gained the strength to do something about it, I was reeled back in like a yo-yo. Hopefully you are asking yourself, how could someone who is seemingly intelligent get sucked into a toxic relationship and not be able to get herself out? It might help if I lay out a few of the tricks so you can spot them in case it happens to you. Then I hope you are strong enough to run, exit, vamoose before you are entrenched.
Over the years we would get weird messages on the answering machine or calls that hung up when I answered. His schedule allowed him to go to job sites to prepare quotes and he spent this time visiting people. I always knew he visited his family, his nephews, our friends anyone who was home during the day but I never knew about the affairs. Remember I was conditioned to believe I was paranoid. Looking back there were plenty.
There was a crazy one who was friends with my sister and after my sister died she stalked my brother in law and nephew. She also knew my ex from Highschool. Our family distanced themselves from her because we were puzzled by her weird obsession with leaving gifts on the steps for my nephew who lived in Florida. She then moved back to our area. I had a funny feeling she would stalk us, so I paid extra for caller ID. Low and behold two years later, she appears in our lives, calling/hanging up, driving by and eventually threatening to reveal their affair. I got my first confession. But it was downplayed as “nothing”. This was when I was showered with gifts and treated like a queen. I was told it would never happened again, I became pregnant with our forth and first girl. I finally got the diamond ring I was promised for my 35th birthday. (Although he picked it out and bought it from a pawn shop. It was not my style but it was all for show.) For Christmas I got a brand new suburban with all the bells and whistles.
Let talk more about that diamond ring. I was told to take it and have it put in a new setting. I took my best friend who was divorced from that awful friend mentioned earlier in the story. Her ex had spent a fortune on her ring and it really was beautiful. He wanted me to copy the same style. We picked out a gorgeous setting with sapphires on the side similar to my friends who had emeralds on the side. The ring was being created and was supposed to be ready by Thanksgiving.
We had plans that weekend to go to Asheville with another family, we had just made friends with when the school started in August. They were very well off and my ex wanted to compete/show off. We were staying with my parents half way to our weekend destination. I got a call from the jeweler that my ring was ready. My ex hopped on the car and drove a four hour round trip to pick up the ring so I would be flashing it that weekend.
That next day we met our friends and divided in two cars. Girls in one and the guys in the other. We stopped for lunch at Chic-fil-a and my friend caught a glimpse of my shiny new ring and gasped. This was the beginning of the end of my marriage when the new affair began, right in front of my face. Remember I was conditioned to think it was me being paranoid. The woman he reeled in was my friend.
Throughout the years, the worst were the constant put downs that were mostly for your ears only but occasionally one would float out in front of others for entertainment: “smacks really good huh?”, “you have xxxxx in your teeth, crumbs on your clothes”, “Are you wearing THAT to the xxxx event?” “Are you letting your toe nails grow so you can climb trees?” “Shhhh use your inside voice.” “Sure you have just one baby in there, looks like twins”.
Another thing that I dealt with was projection (describing themselves and calling it you). One I heard over and over was – if I ever asked for help with the kids, he would do so reluctantly but would say “I am their mother, their father, their everything” instead of just helping out. When this was said in front of others they were convinced I sat around and made him do all the work when they opposite was true.
Looking back I have learned that he was gas lighting me by saying “I promise I would leave you before I ever cheated on you”. He repeated it so many times that it had to be true. During the summer when I was pretty sure I caught him, I actually asked him, he denied it said to trust him he would leave first. I had to hire a private investigator to prove what I already knew to be true only it was much worse than I could have ever imagined. He secretly rented a Penthouse apartment, that his mom and sister help furnish with brand new gorgeous furniture. He couldn’t afford any of these things so he took out another big loan.
You must be thinking, there is no way I would stay in an environment like that. Ahhh but that’s where you are wrong. Sandwiched very carefully are “love” bombs (showering you with promises, stuff and attention so you are dazed & confused. Trying to change your focus away from how you are treated. ) Let me clarify that love is in quotes because a narcissist absolutely does not love you, they are incapable. What they are capable of, and extremely talented is all around selling. They are so skilled that it is down right scary. They could sell snow to an Eskimo so to speak.
These grandiose gestures are not for you, they are all for show. This way when someone is looking in, they are to think “he is doing well in his businesses”. Everything is calculated to boost his own ego at the expense of yours. It’s designed to weaken you so you don’t leave. When they sense you are leaving, the gestures ramp up. Want to take an exotic trip somewhere? Sure! Why don’t we buy a second place? Even though you are constantly being told (behind closed doors) you can’t afford anything. You are being told to stop spending all the money he works so hard for. (Projection) He also downplayed any contribution you made since you worked as well. Some how he wanted to be perceived as a sole provider when he was not.
If you see someone in this situation and you want to warn them or help, there really isn’t anything you can do to open their eyes. What you can do is let them know they are a good person, counter their daily attacks with some kindness. Let them know they can trust you. When they are ready to face the music and leave, just lend an ear and be supportive. This is a journey they have to take, alone, however there is nothing like having a good friend along the way to help you realize you are NOT GOING CRAZY.
The next step is to help them stop the addiction of talking to the toxic person. They won’t realize they are doing it. Encourage them not to take the phone calls. If married, have all communication go through an attorney. Be prepared for battle, they will win at all costs, it’s a pride thing. Absolutely do not trust their family blood/marriage they have been gas lit as well. Just expect it and move on.
Finally make sure everything is paid through the courts and you have child support covered. Forget alimony, it won’t happen, don’t even try. Engage DSS lawyers if needed because your family lawyer will just drain your pocketbook and, your assets including your kids future college funds. If you have kids, expect that drop offs and pickups are going to be toxic, the last thing they want is for you to have a nice enjoyable weekend off without kids, so you will have frantic calls, urgent care visits, broken teeth, stitches and drama every time.
Don’t try to coach or encourage your ex to do the right thing. They do not want you to get in the middle of their relationship, won’t appreciate your insight, because they cannot empathize and are incapable of understanding what the child needs and wants. As a result they will let the child down every single time. NO ONE (current family friends) will believe the truth. He will spin it and tell them you wouldn’t provide access to the kids or he had no idea it was happening.
I am not sure what could have happened to me to keep me from falling into this trap, and even better getting out of it, however I am willing to be a friend to someone who is going through this and help them know they aren’t fools, they are victims like me and my innocent kids. The key is not to have this experience define you but help you grow from it and help others.
Happiness is Possible 