15 years ago, things were much different than they are today.  It was a time when I spent a lot of time wondering what happened to the life that I had previously in Mt. Pleasant.  The life that I was looking back on, wasn’t perfect.   I wasn’t mourning my marriage, it really was dysfunctional, I was mourning my family.

While we were married, we really enjoyed parenting!  We tag teamed bath time/diapers/bedtime/homework/driving to sports practice/lessons/school, dad taught them how to waterski/sail/shoot guns/drive, mom taught them games/puzzles/chores.   We enjoyed family time from church to fun family vacations which included camping trips, theme parks and family reunions.  We loved extended family.  Our lives revolved around the kids!

Suddenly the summer my youngest was born, things drastically changed.  Over the next year, I realized that there was a shift.  Our family was no longer important.  Our marriage ended and another began.  The news was delivered in a phone call “hey kids you now have four new step siblings”.

The kids would visit their dad, over the weekend.  It was never predictable, they never knew if they were going or not as it would get cancelled at the last minute.  They craved alone time with their dad and during this time, they never got it.  They had to share their dad with four other kids and their new step mom.  A story they came home with, reminded me of the Sound of Music where the kids would line up when someone blew a whistle.  However, in this real life version, the kids were all told that they needed to be happy, respectful and love one another. Then they were forced to tell their new step parent that they loved her/him.  They were not allowed to go against the group.  The oldest one protested and was sent to live with their dad.

The weekend visitations required meeting halfway at a designated pick up point.  Pick up and drop off time was set & rigid.  As I scrambled to load up four young kids, I tried my best to be on time but it still happened, I would run late!  It was horrible.  The glare of the new wife as we met at the drop off, making sure I knew her territory. Me, very nervous that there weren’t enough seat belts for the 8 kids in the suburban.  You could feel the tension in the air.  The kids would get caught in the middle of verbal jabs between the parents.  To this day, I still have PTSD when I see Clarks as I drive by exit 98 on I-95.

Our kids were not given their own rooms, bed or a place to keep their things.  They were not all invited for Thanksgiving, Christmas or Easter.  (or any other holiday for that matter).  During weekend visitations,  they had to compete for their dad’s attention, not only from all the kids visiting together, but their step mom as well.  It was not a typical step child/parent relationship.  It broke my heart.

The kids actually have fond memories of the adventures they would have during visitations with their dad & step mom.  They spent a lot of time on the boat, dirt bikes, at the beach, camper, & always doing fun things.  On the flip side, because of the number of children, there seemed to be lots of chaos, drama and often injuries. We had stitches, severe sunburn, dirt bike accidents, oral surgery, BB gun wounds and tears.

A few months into their new marriage, the new wife lost custody of her four kids.  It became war.  During the next two years, we were all in and out of court, so the tension was high. Everything we had agreed to in Arbitration was being challenged.  It was a really ugly:  Our home went into foreclosure, I returned to work full time and put the kids in daycare, & dad went to jail for not paying child support. Things were pretty toxic.

My heart ached for my kids for having to share precious time with their dad but there was nothing I could do about it.  I was no longer allowed to communicate with the extended family members to keep the kids connected to Aunts/Uncles/Cousins/Grandparents. To this day, I still mourn the loss of those relationships from the divorce.

Finally, three years later, we settled our courtroom battles.  Shortly afterwards, their dad moved to Pensacola and weekend visitations ended.  The kids continued to talk to their dad, every day, on the phone.  I make sure the kids get to see their dad once or twice a year. It never matters what the plane tickets cost, I make sure they get to go and that they understand it’s a priority for us that they go.  They love their special visits, which are usually spring break and summer vacation.

Perhaps, it was about seven years later, when the relationships between the kids and their dad became close again.  He & I were finally able to communicate, without tension, and  co-parent. It amazed me that we were still on the same page about values.  We backed each other up and navigated some really difficult decisions.  The kids became his primary focus again.  He now feels comfortable attending special events for the kids.   We get along just fine and the kids are happy.

Navigating relationships post divorce takes time and cooperation.  Not all relationships can be repaired.  Unfortunately we are not able to form a healthy relationship with their step mom.  If it was meant to work out, things would have improved by now.  We just have to learn to navigate around it, making sure the kids best interest are being considered.

I am very happy that the kids have restored their relationship with their dad and we are able to co-parent once again.  It took a lot of time, patience, flexibility, perseverance and the ability to know when the battle is worth it.  Mama bear sometimes has to back down.